There and Back Again

          I’ve have really been living in a spirit of fear lately. My soul has not been at peace and today I can literally feel my soul tremble. I know that this is NOT from God. I don’t know about the rest of the world, but on this campus—everyone is obsessed with the end times and they all think that if not today…then tomorrow. Jesus is calling us home! But every single time someone mentions that—I grow uncomfortable and angry with God. I get afraid and selfish. I want to get married and have a family and accomplish all of these things before the Lord comes back. It’s not fair that I won’t be able to experience life. –And I shake my fist at God….but the very next moment I become ashamed of myself. I can’t stand the thought of God accepting me the way that I am: angry, selfish, foolish, unorganized, lazy, and disobedient. “God! Just let me be! I’ll fix myself and then you can have me!” but NO! That’s not how it’s supposed to be! This morning someone spoke up in class and told everyone that an angel had appeared to one of her friends yesterday and said these words: “The lips of the Lord are on His trumpet.” This totally freaked me out and this is what really started my soul atrembling.
 Over the last couple of weeks, I have avoided reading my Bible and praying because I was busy and because I didn’t think God was big enough to take care of my problems. He’s not worthy enough for me to approach him for a few minutes each day. His death on the cross is nothing to me. –not really; but this has been my attitude the last couple of weeks and I have broken God’s heart---now that I have realized this, my heart is broken to and now I am broken at his feet, trembling in fear and begging him to take me back and to take away my fear. 
  Last night, I had the room to myself. Both of my roommates slept somewhere else. This was perfect timing because I really needed time with the Lord. So I sat up in my bed for like an hour just praying out loud. So, this afternoon, I have laundry duty…which is really great…because, I basically get to sit outside and do homework or read and get things accomplished while I’m working in the Laundry room. So, right now, as I’m watching the laundry room, I’m also doing some reading and having a devotional time with the Lord. Like I said, my spirit is not at ease and I am physically trembling at this point because of my fear. So I sat down to journal:
          Lord, my heart is not at ease. I feel greatly oppressed and I don’t want Satan to ever take the victory over my attitude again. I want you to have the victory. Lord, my soul is nearly trembling right now. I’m so fearful and I don’t know why. Lord, speak to me and comfort me concerning this.
         Well, he did. And it was amazing. The first verse is especially incredible. God spoke directly to me through 3 specific verses that covered everything that I’ve been afraid of over the past few weeks: the swine flu, the end of the world, the nightmares that I’ve been struggling with, etc. it perfectly listed all of those things out and said that they would not touch me. PSALM 91: 5-7 (8):
 You will not fear the terror of the night,
nor the arrow that flies by day,
nor the pestilence that stalks in darkness,
nor the plague that destroys at midday.
A thousand may fall at your side,
and a thousand at your right hand,
but it will not come near you.
When I read this, I was like woah! I spent over an hour last night in prayer asking for God to speak to me – and he did. He spoke directly to my need. The Bible says that God is called the great I AM. This means that God will become what we need. Anything that we need—God can become this and provide it. He is all that I need! This was probably the moment in my life, thus far, where I have truly felt the presence of God. It was through reading these verses. The next verse that I read was ISAIAH 41: 10-14:
Fear not, for I am with you;
be not dismayed, for I am your God;
I will strengthen you, I will help you,
I will uphold you with my righteous right hand.
Behold, all who are incensed against you
shall be put to shame and confounded;
those who strive against you
shall be as nothing and shall perish.
 You shall seek those who contend with you,
but you shall not find them;
 those who war against you
shall be as nothing at all.
For I, the Lord your God,
hold your right hand;
it is I who say to you, “Fear not,
I am the one who helps you.”
 Fear not, you g worm Jacob,
you men of Israel!
I am the one who helps you, declares the Lord;
your Redeemer is the Holy One of Israel.

This makes me think of the verse in Romans 8:31: If God is for me, who can be against me? How much stronger of a God can I ask for? No other God loves me. As far as I know, every other God on earth is out there to condemn and to Judge every one that follows him. My God is not. I do not have a set of laws that I need to perfectly keep all the days of my life. Yes, I have rules and I fail to obey them a lot of the time---I want to keep these rules, but sometimes I fall and I allow for the desires of my flesh to take over. This is how I know that I need the grace of the Lord. Because I’m not going to measure up! Because I’m not good enough—I need the Lord! Romans 3:23: For all have sinned and fall short of the glory of God. I’m a sinner and I need Jesus! The coolest thing is that Jesus doesn’t want us to be perfect! He wants us to rely on him! Matthew 9:12 says: It is not the healthy who need a doctor, but the sick… For I have not come to call the righteous, but sinners! Whoever says that God could not accept them because of what they have done has the absolute wrong idea of who God has called. He has called the unworthy! Why? Because the worthy are too proud of their accomplishment of worthiness! But the unworthy are humbled and vulnerable because they know that they are nothing. The next step is just realizing that our unworthiness joined with God’s worthiness equals completely worthy! How cool is our God!? 
                The next verse that I read was 1 John 4: 15-18: If anyone acknowledges that Jesus is the Son of God, God lives in him and he in God. And so we know and rely on the love God has for us. God is love. Whoever lives in love lives in God, and God in him. In this way, love is made complete among us so that we will have confidence on the day of judgment, because in this world we are like him. There is no fear in love. But perfect love drives out fear, because fear has to do with punishment. The one who fears is not made perfect in love.
                God IS love. He doesn’t just give love—he is the source of love because that’s what he is. What else could possibly motivate him to bless us the way that he does and give mercy to us on a moment to moment basis like he does? What more can I ask for than a God who IS the very essence and being of love?! He is Love! So, because of this, I have no fear. Every good thing comes from God and just like The passage from Psalms says, none of these plagues or bad things will touch me. If they do—it is not because he is judging me, I am His child, he does not condemn me because of the things that I do, I am under grace! But I am also a living sacrifice. If something bad happens to me, then it is God’s will that I continue to live according to his word and to continue trusting in Him. Others are watching, So even when bad things do happen, I need to be careful that I do not react to it out of my flesh, because if I do—my testimony will be ruined. 2 Corinthians 7:4 says: In all of my troubles, my joy knows no bounds. “Woah, wait a minute!” You say. “I’m supposed to be joyful to the point where I could explode?-----when I’m going through hard times?” YES! This is all through the strength that the Lord gives us. Romans 5:5: And hope does not disappoint us, because God has poured out his love in our hearts by the holy spirit whom he has given us.  Why am I joyful, even in times of Trouble? Because no matter what, I have a hope that will never let me down. My God will never leave me or forsake me! I’m going to heaven baby! 
                   Finally, 2 Timothy 1:7: For God did not give us a spirit of fear, but a spirit of power, of love and self-discipline! This is so cool---my fear is not given to me by the Lord. And if I have fear, I still have access to God’s power through the holy spirit! Did you hear that? I HAVE ACCESS TO THE POWER OF GOD! 1Corinthians 2: 10-15: but God has revealed it to us by his Spirit. The Spirit searches all things, even the deep things of God. For who among men knows the thoughts of a man except the man's spirit within him? In the same way no one knows the thoughts of God except the Spirit of God. We have not received the spirit of the world but the Spirit who is from God, that we may understand what God has freely given us. This is what we speak, not in words taught us by human wisdom but in words taught by the Spirit, expressing spiritual truths in spiritual words. The man without the Spirit does not accept the things that come from the Spirit of God, for they are foolishness to him, and he cannot understand them, because they are spiritually discerned. The spiritual man makes judgments about all things, but he himself is not subject to any man's judgment.
I have access to the mind of God because the same spirit that searches the deep things of God, lives within me! HOLY MOLY!!! How incredibly cool is that?!
God is good. I do not need to be afraid. I am loved. The Lord gives me Joy. The Lord is near to the brokenhearted. He comforts me. He speaks to me. He hears my cry. What else do I need? Nothing! The coolest thing about this entire entry is that the Lord was inspiring me and speaking to me as I was writing it. We do not need visible signs. We need God to speak to us. I have never really felt God speaking to me before. But recently someone told me just to ask for God to speak to me and he will. Well, seriously try it. Sadly, this is the first time I have ever tried it. Gladly, it won’t be the last. I just asked the Lord to hear my prayers and to speak to me and he totally did!! Really, I am in awe of the Lord right now. I hope that this will bless you, just as it blessed me to write this. Bless the Lord, Oh my soul and all that is within me! Praise his holy name! (Psalm 103:1) God is so Good! 

-Mel