There and Back Again

I realized today, that I am a horrible person. I guess there are things that I do on a habitual basis that really aren’t very nice—I offended someone today—not exactly intending to be rude, but I really felt incredibly sorry, downright atrocious when it was pointed out to me. I was rather put-out and mortified—‘Am I really this awfully inconsiderate?’ Wow. I really need to get myself in order. I’m pretty selfish---good thing I’m realizing that before I get married—I mean, it’s only going to inflate it’s palpableness when I tie the knot. Sad day---I mean, I want it to be happy, but I’m afraid of realizing even more, how horrific a person I could be. Daniel, I don’t know how you do it. Honestly, when I think about the way that you love me, all I can do is compare it to God’s love for me. It’s been made more than plainly seen that I need an attitude adjustment on a moment to moment basis. I can insult you as much as my selfish heart will let me to try to make you not love me---I only want to be sure( this is so sub-conscious! I hate it!) ---yet all you can say, is, “I don’t care what you think. You don’t have to understand why I love you. It won’t change anything. Just accept it. I love you, Melissa Stimely, just the way that you are!” That always blows me away. It has given me a more personal understanding of how God loves me. Thank you. I hope that one day, it will be easy for me to show you that kind of love too. Daniel, I’m sorry, but it’s going to be a challenge. I promise to try my best, but I promise that I’ll mess up too. Kyle, I’m sorry that I’m a jerk. Please, forgive me for being so harshly rude and bad-mannered. 
  I’m not even totally sure about what else to put into this post except about my current ideas and plans for my future… which are pretty much out there.
1. Getting married—not sure when, but soon. A lot of things need to happen before then. 
2. Career—not sure what but here are some ideas—I have always wanted to act---so I’m working on some research for that direction. I love to write and I’ve been working on a book since I was around 12 and now I’m’ just working on developing an actual plot, developing characters and creating an actual story that has some point and function to it. It’s going to take some time—but that is definitely something that is going to come about before I die of old age (since I have determined that is what I’ll die from—since it won’t be a vampire bite—yes, I’ve been sucked into the twilight saga : ) ) Anyway, those are some of the immediate plans.
  OH! I got an email from my employer (?) the other day, laying me off. They don’t have room for me anymore—so I need some sort of job—because I’m technically broke and the last thing I need is debt because I’m not competent enough to provide for myself—that’s the last thing I need against me if I want to be getting married soon. Wow, Prayer anyone? 
  When I get home, I have lots of work to do. It’s hard to accomplish things and research when there is almost never internet on the road in ALASKA. It’s amazingly beautiful up here and I’ve been really inspired this entire month. I am excited to get home. Everyone hates me, I’m sure of it. Especially my senior citizen, my head on a silver platter would probably be his death-bed wish. Like I said—I’m just that horrible. Any takers?

The extremely negative and annoyed blogger,
Mel