There and Back Again

  WARNING: BAD GRAMMAR, AND VENTING. Reader discretion advised. 

         I’m convinced that bipolar is a personality---which is why I’m convinced that I’ve got it woven throughout my DNA. I think everyone has this….it’s something that we can choose to yield to or to surrender to the Lord. At one moment I’m happy and ‘overwhelmed’ by the Lord, and then the next moment—I feel like I’ve been shoved to the ground and there isn’t a way to get up. I just want to be real. I don’t want anyone to think that I’m perfect. I’m going to be honest with what I struggle with---because I’m a human being and I have struggles. I get angry and I get fed up! In fact, right now, that’s exactly how I’m feeling….but in two ways that don’t even make sense to me. Half of me is angry that I’m sick and that I keep missing out---that people continue to look past me because I am too weak. It’s true…I’m too weak to walk from one side of campus to the next sometimes. I hate that! But at the same time….the other half of me is angry that the other half won’t just yield to the Lord and be teachable. I’m angry that the decision is so big and so hard! Why can’t it be easy! I know what I have to do…I know how to do it---- I don’t have an excuse—I guess I just have to learn things the hard way in order to get the point. I’ve always been that way. Although spankings and getting grounded never did anything for me….but this is different. I’m lonely, frustrated, angry, impatient, anxious, desperate…. I can totally keep going. I really wish that there was a little privacy around here so that I could just take care of my problem without anyone knowing there was something wrong. But maybe that’s what I need to be broken of…relying on myself for healing and fixing. It’s not going to work that way! 
        I’m a puppet to my emotions….it’s true. I wish it wasn’t such a battle---but I’m just struggling with being good enough. Now that I understand grace---now it’s a matter of accepting it and living life freely. I’m a slave to the wrong being. I’m a slave to my flesh and I’m incredibly weak. Temptation stands at the foot of my bed at night and creeps behind me during the day. I wish I had a pair of spiritual blinders. I don’t want you to think that I’m backsliding…because I am not. I’m growing…there are just some things that have been brought to my attention that need to be surrendered and fixed by the only one who can fix me---and that overwhelms me. I wish I was a good person. There isn’t a sin that I’ve been addicted to in the past that I’m not still struggling with…some are easier than others but some just wear my mind and my heart raw to the point where I can’t even fight back anymore. I hate giving up. I want to be strong---but I don’t know how to not give in sometimes. I hate myself sometimes for these things. 
 I really just needed to vent. I know what my issue is. And it’s up to me to take the first step and to submit it to the Lord. But I forget how to break….i forget how to give it up. I forget how to take the back seat. I really wish I could say that I was a good person. I really do. I don’t know if I will ever be content with the way that my heart has made me. I’ve read all the Bible verses and I’ve hear all the sermons I can take. It’s up to me now. I’ve heard all the good quotes and I’ve been prayed over enough times..that it should be obvious that it’s up to me to SIMPLY yield.  
           I’m ready to find a field somewhere where the grass is taller than me so I can lay down in the middle of it and cry and scream and say everything that I need to and just be in the presence of God. I have to many distractions—chuck tracks here, projects there, papers to write, clothes to fold, rooms to clean, meetings to attend, classes to listen to, people to please, my heart to maintain, my mask to keep glued to my face….i can’t afford the expensive mask--- only the stuff that melts off quickly. I’m constantly patching it up or forgetting who I’m supposed to be in front of these people and those people. There shouldn’t be a difference who the people are. I should be me. I should be the person that the Lord intended me to be—not whoever I can pretend to be. I want to be that person that serves the Lord with gladness. I want to be changed. Really. I don’t need a talking to. If you can do anything—just pray. No need to even say that you are praying for me. I know you are. This is between me and the Lord now. Thankyou for everything that you’ve said. Really, I needed to hear it. But this can’t be patched with a good verse here and a good verse there. This problem needs to totally be broken down and it will be. I garuntee it. Please don’t worry about me. I’m going to be fine. The Lord just has some major filing to do. He’s got a lot of pieces that he needs to find an put back together for me. I’m wandering around in a dark room---I’m never going to be able to find all the pieces I need. I 'm getting to the point of being ready for that burden that's  light and yoke that's easy. 


-mel